Body Love….

In fitting with my theme of LOVE for 2014 a huge issue for me is body love. Last year I worked my butt off, literally. I trained everyday sometimes twice a day, watched what I ate religiously and became the poster girl of weight loss for the ladies I worked with.
Then I didn't want to any more. I was tired of restricting and constantly thinking about what I was allowed to eat and more importantly what I wasn't. I remember panicking as one of the girls birthdays approached and it didn't fall on a "free" eating day. The inner turmoil was overwhelming. Stick to the goal, you weak pathetic quitter or have abit of fun, one day isn't going to hurt you. Its your daughter's birthday for goodness sake.
I picked that later which began the ascent from the good food/bad food pit.
I finally saw the magic number on the scale, but it wasn't enough. My body didn't look like the image I had in my head and the scary reality is that it may NEVER do so.
My head went tilt, like a pinball machine that is out of balance and I was.
I read articles about anti-dieting and felt the fog start to clear in my head. But with freedom comes responsibility and for me confusion.
Dieting and a set training routine is safe. I do it and I don't have to think about if it is wrong or right. But I didn't have my heart in it. I was just so tired.
Then everything turned to custard.
I got sick, I couldn't dredge up the energy or passion to do what I was doing before.
So I did nothing- exercise wise.
Eating- I did! Everything I had denied myself before and as much as I wanted! Of course the inevitable consequence is that I gained weight and lost a lot of my fitness.
Now it is 2014. I am 15kg heavier than I was at the magic number, 2-3 sizes bigger, still feeling tired and not sure what I want or how to re-begin my fitness journey.
If it was a case of just me looking after me I think it would be easier, but I am still working a women's gym and giving advice on how to get fit and healthy.
There are moments when I think, seriously what right do I have to give advice to anyone! I am struggling to find the answers myself.
Talk about the blind leading the blind.
BUT- then a little voice inside me whispers, isn't that what its all about?
You sharing your failures and success, helping others along their way.
Learning to accept yourself and helping others accept themselves too!
Maybe by going through this experience you can be of more use than if you presented just the picture of success, as defined by the media?
Maybe by being 15kg heavier and exercising less you are healthier than you were before?
Maybe?
What is your definition of success?
How do you feel your most healthiest?
What makes you happy?
What is your body saying to you?
How do you find yourself acceptable without condition?
What is self love?
These are the questions I want to answer!
I do believe that the answers are there within me and that God is revealing them slowly. So that I can digest them fully!
Today I am okay! Actually I am better than ok! Because even if I don't have the answers today I have the faith that I follow the one who does!

Me on Christmas morning 2013. No make up, hair not done selfie. Not perfect and thats OK!

2014…getting my head on straight…..

To say that I was pleased to see the back end of 2013 is an understatement of the grandest proportions. 2013 ended surrounded by lovely family and friends choosing a word to summize the year and 2014 came in with a peace and hopefulness. I even got a little bit of alone time to unwind before bed, bliss.
I was woken by a call of nature to be called by nature to see the most amazing sunrise! So beautiful that I had to photograph it to share with A, who I didn't think would appreciate it at 5.30am!

I went back to bed with a real sense of optimism, ready for 2014.

This year I have poo-pooed New Years resolutions. Like diets I believe that they set you up to fail. So for someone who has always had very clear guides on what the goal is and how to accomplish it (at any cost) I am entering a new year trying to path a way in unchartered territory.

Last year the goals were clear-get fit and lose weight, make money being the best PT/employee I could be and balance children, house and husband. Do, do and do more! Do it well, no better than well!
My success was based on what I was doing. The more I do the more acceptable I am.
2013 has taught me that doing isn't more important as being. Being present, being connected, being aware. When you are focused on doing, the goal is to finish what you are doing so you can do something else and God help those who get in the way of that.

Being + Doing = Balance

Balance-that mysterious myth of a word that lives in the realm of unicorns, fairies and Atlantis.
How? HOW? HOW!!!
This is the challenge of 2014. To find the place of balance. But not alone, I am desperately clinging  to God on this one. I am trying to surrender all my plans to Him and say, "What do ya think?" because I no longer trust myself to know what I should/could be doing.
That is the cry of my heart….
Lord, please guide my life on what you want me to be doing. There are so many "good" things I could be doing but I only want to go where You have called me. I know that I am called to spread the "love". I feel my most fulfilled when I let other know how special they are and how much you love them. Give me boldness to speak when you say and not when you tell me to be quiet.
In Jesus' name.
Amen

So I declare 2014 the year of LOVE! Because I truly believe that Love is the answer to everything.

Christmas Reflections….

There is a lot to be said about the benefits of relaxation and slowing down. Not that I would have bought into that a few months ago. It was all about what you achieved, regardless of the method to get there.

This Christmas however (in light of what I have been trying to learn) has been very different from that.

This year we had two gifts on the 15th of Dec and a list. We had no budget (as yet) but A had plans in the making. I happily let him take the helm of the finances and how we did the gift buying and how much we would be spending.
Previously I would have a list for everything and expectations of HOW it should be and I would be a bundle of Christmas panic & stress! Not much fun at all!
I would have been doing more and feeling less of what Christmas is really about, peace and joy.
I would have been nipping at A because I was doing this, that and the other and what was HE bringing to the table? Poor fella it would never be enough.

This year it was enough for me to…

-concentrated on what I was going to bake and docummenting my moments on Facebook. Self indulgent perhaps but very satisfying!

-trust A. Let him be the champion and I wasn't disappointed!

-enjoy the children, letting them take time to do what they enjoyed at their pace, not my schedule. Making sure I consciusly savour every moment. I am highly aware that these wonderful little and grown up people aren't going to live under my roof for many more years, so I squeeze the pleasures of every cuddle, giggle and did you see that? moment.

-not take on more, to release the extra "stuff" that would not add to me but would have me take away from what was truly important. More buying, more spending, more hours, more, more, more!

-Laugh and have fun! Dressing up as Angel-A (see photo), singing Christmas carols, watching movies and being accessible to those around me.

-tear toast. One of my highlights this Christmas was going to my parents house while my Mom was making the stuffing. As a girl my job was to toast the bread and tear it into small pieces for her to turn into YUMMY stuffing! I wanted my children to smell the smells of Christmas as I remembered them.

-eat, drink and be merry! I ate whatever I chose! Drank- COKE! Over indulged and not one ounce of guilt was given! Still trying to find the balance in my eating (which I will) but I savoured all I wanted to and left the "I really shouldn't" or " I wonder how long I need to run/workout/torture myself to work this off"or "how many calories are in this?" (while frantically reading the label and calculating if I ate only a quarter of it I should be ok.)

-sing with unabashed passion Christmas carols at church on Christmas morning. What I lack in talent I make up for in enthusiasm :p

-be excited and thankful!

Christmas 2013 may have not been the most lavish in worldly terms but it was the most stupendous victory for me.

A New Normal….

Well, after forty two years it appears that I have got it all wrong! My very organised (a.k.a. I like to be in control) personality was actually doing my health no favours.
After five months of dealing with a chronic sinus infection that wasn't either chronic or a sinus infection but simply turn out to be the effects of me pushing myself too hard for too long. I am now trying to figure out what is good for me and what isn't.

I have always believed that you have a goal and you set your mind on that goal and you do whatever is needed to achieve that goal. No excuses, no variables, you just did it.
Whether the goal be clean the house or lose 25kg . You just pulled up your big girl panties and did it!
But it wasn't enough to just do it. If you cleaned the house, better bake as well and 30kg is better than 25kg. Enough is never enough.

So now I am trying to figure out what is enough? What is the real important stuff to focus on? What is success?

What does it truly look like to ME?

Unfortunately or fortunately I have very little answers at the moment. My head is in a very muddily place and I am questioning what I thought I knew before.

What do I know? Really deep down in my core believe.

1. God is real and he loves me! Jesus die for me and has a plan for my life!

2. The devil is real and want to destroy me.

3. Relationships mean everything. Stuff will burn, but relationships are eternal.

4. A, the kids and my family are on the top of the list. They get sacrificed far too easily and quickly.

5.Women need women! Where would I be without my women friends?

6. I LOVE what I do! I am able to speak into women's lives on a daily basis and tell them that not only are they ok, they a FABULOUS!!

7. I will NEVER ever go on a diet again! I want to eat in a way that makes me feel healthy and able to move my body. Some times thats cheesecake and others it fruit.

8. Exercise is vital for my wellbeing.

9. I'm ok just as I am today, even if I don't feel it. I don't need anyone else to make me ok. I CAN trust myself.

WOW! I know more that I realised.

Now I just need to put it into action, gently and slowly.

Why is it on the morning I can sleep in I never do?

I have taken two days off to chillax, spend some time with the kids and generally do alot of nothing. But what happens? I wake up at 3am with a list of jobs, ideas and plans for the next two days.
I kept telling myself to go to sleep, to relax, but that is like telling a child to sit quietly on a bouncy castle- it just ain't gonna happen.

So, I figured I would get up and clear my head by getting all of these jumbled thoughts into word form.

Ok, so heres how my thought pattern goes.....

1. School Uniforms
I really want to sort out M & J's school uniforms. New term, they need to look presentable for the first week at least. Because J's trackpants are what I like to refer to as ventilated. And extremely embarrassing to me-although he doesn't seem to mind that much. But I hate sending my precious child to school looking like a waif.

Which made me think about....

2. Money
Because if J needs new track pants money has to be involved somewhere.
I have just recently taken over looking after the finances because I am so aware of Js birthday at the end of this month, Christmas looming, M starting high school (needing a uniform for that) that I felt I needed a plan that we were working toward. A and I work VERY differently when it comes to money, housekeeping, work and most areas of life. But I think that is why we work so well together. Where one pushes the other one pulls and we create perfect balance. It can be a bit tricky finding that balance point and there is alot of falling from side to side but when we are there it is absolute peace.

Thinking about money made me think about all my.....

3. Needs/Wants/Luxuries
As a parent you put yourself on the bottom of a very long list of necessities. You just keep making do until you are at the point where you just can't make do anymore. Then if you are like me, you go and do something stupid! Usually involving spending too much money or acting like a real grumpy cow, ruining the days you took off to make memories with your family.
Well, I am at the place of "I need something for me" but I don't know how to get it without feeling guilty and selfish (a place I often find myself)!

Which made me think about, what do I really want....

4. Investment
As a wife, mum, P.T., being Ang, I'm a giving person. I love to bless other people with encouragement, food, support, food, love, and food. I like feeding people.
How do I invest in myself?
What do I get pleasure from?
What fills my tank?
Why do I get sooooooooo resentful when A goes and does what he wants? When I think he should be doing something else? Not that he is off doing major things. It could just be that he went for a run. Which should be commended not condemned. Its that he is taking time for himself and I don't know how to cope with that.
Mainly because the ways I like to invest in myself involve money and there are so many more important areas that the money can go to.
I can justify spending it on me, I can justify not spending it on me. ARGH!

But what makes me feel good?

5. Pampering!!
I'm vain! Im not ashamed to admit it. I like looking pretty. For the last 2 years it has all been about losing weight and getting fit.
But now it is more about finding the place where I feel beautiful, strong, fit and can still enjoy cooking and eating food.
Which seems to be about 10kg heavier than what the charts say I should be. Not that I give a fat rats what charts say because scales are for fish not people.
BUT, my clothes are a bit snugger, my options of what to wear is a bit narrower and the oath that I took to myself about getting a mani/pedi every month as a reward to myself  when I started working has way gone to the wayside.

6. Planning
So I start thinking, wouldn't today be a great opportunity to take some time out (just for me) and get a mani/pedi and some new undergarments. The red pitched forked fella on my right shoulder is saying, "Hell Yeah! You deserve it! Go for it baby!" While the white robed harp carrying dude on my left shoulder is pleading, "Just be thankful for what you have. You don't need that to make you happy."

So what to do?

7. Decisions
I get up. I look at the budget. I realise that more bills need to come out next pay then were budgeted for.  I juggle. It will work. It will be tight (when hasn't it been??? seriously) but we will get through.
So what am I going to do? I don't know yet. I will talk to my balance buddy and decide from there.
But I can say this, the sunrise was tinged a lovely colour of red and I can't see a harp in sight. ;)

New Adventures....

I have often thought of sitting down and posting on my blog but stopping because I'm afraid that I may upset someone by what I have to say. Especially if it is a "yucky" feeling. When I write it is to sort out those emotions that go around and around in my head getting bigger and distorted like those "fun"mirrors in theme parks.
I find that putting it out there whether it be on paper or through a keyboard, put those thoughts in perspective sifting through what is fact or perception. At times the two are one in the same!
Not that I would ever intentionally write something to hurt or irritate anyone (I think! I guess time will tell) but sometimes people read into words you say or write and look for a deeper hidden meaning. I don't want to have to worry about that!
Not that I want to write moaning, groaning blog posts! I prefer to be optimistic. It's a damn site better than being the other.
So to summarize my wee rant, if you don't like what I write please don't read it. ;)
On to more interesting stuff....
I am now a part-time student studying for my Certificate in Fitness and a Duathlete! Both happened in the same week-last week. It was an elating and humbling process.
Certificate in Fitness is so where I am at, at the moment. I'm not sure what I am going to do with it? Whether I am going to pursue a career as a trainer or continue studying. After the Certificate I can do a Degree of Social Sciences at CPIT. I don't know yet and am not stressing about it. I have got to finish this course first.
It has been a VERY long time since I have been in a classroom environment where I am not someones Mum! To find out that I am not the only 40+ lady in the class was a HUGE relief. There is a great mix of people and everyone seems really nice.
The first class was Fitness Assessment. I managed to understand most of the words coming out of the lecturers mouth so walked away feeling pretty confident.
The next day Anatomy and Physiology two lectures an AM & a PM. I caught the bus to CPIT (the first time I have done that in probably 10 years) it was BLISS!!!
Got to my first lecture didn't get too confused but realised that I have HEAPS to learn.
Had lunch with my darling & nipped down to Rebel Sport (they were having a SALE!) It was about this time I started wondering if I missed some notes that I should have had before the next lecture-PANIC stations! Alan quickly sorted me out. Got to the next lecture feeling totally unprepared and flustered! The lecture was about cells. I walked out of that lecture with an headache!
I hate being unprepared!
Nevermind, shake it off because the next day is my first event! The Contact Women's TriSeries. I was doing the longer Duathlon (1.5km run, 20.8km cycle and 5km run). I had done the course 3 times in training. I felt fairly confident in myself that I was going to be ok and secretly hoping that I might even finish slightly close to the front of the pack. Yeah-No!
I didn't stick to any of my race plan and paid for it in the last lap! BUT I did complete it! And had the best support team I could ever have! My friends who raced with me were FABULOUS! My VERY pregnant friend who came to cheer us on was such a precious gift! I got txt that moved me to tears! My Alan is beyond words in his support!
To top it all off I was chosen as the most Inspirational Story. When you filled out your entry form you could put your story down. Mine was chosen and read out. Very humbling!
To all those who have taken the time to encourage, support and listen to me drone on about my runs, weights and fitness in general-THANK YOU! I really appreciate it! It made a HUGE difference to where I am and where I am headed!
Where am I headed?
I don't completely know!
Doing the race and the course is scary! At times I feel like I am a fraud and someone is going to come up to me point a finger and shout, "Hey YOU! You can't be here! You're not smart/fit/young enough to be doing that!"
That is a LIE a feeling of fear and insecurity that wants me to stop. Because I know (in my Knower) that I CAN do the course and I CAN do the race-
I AM doing it (by the grace of God)!!!
By me being set free to accomplish whatever is in my path then others can look at me and say, "Ang is doing it, I can too".
The key is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep running MY race!!!

Perspective, Choice & Attitude....

Ahhh, a moment to sit and ponder.
School holidays are lovely but there is a lot to be said for the normality of school life.
Perspective, Choice & Attitude.
Three pillars that effect my day and those around me! You know that saying....
"If the Mama ain't happy, nobodies happy."
 It rings so true. More positively, when I am happy and setting the tone of my home positively, EVERYONE is happy! And it sets off a ripple effect beyond our little house.
At the moment we are trying this new concept, "living within our means" and to be honest, it SUCKS! It is an all out civil war between instant gratification Ang (I Deserve it) and sensible self-controlled Ang (Is it a priority?) .
I want to be free of the debt and I know that the only way is be going thru the hard stuff. Saying No or Not Yet.
That is all well and fine, but doing it with a good Attitude-that becomes the challenge.  I am wanting to change my perspective of what is a need? What is truly important? Everything comes at a cost. Am I prepared to pay it? And if I choose it shouldn't I than be thankful for it?
This is where all my philosophies become rubber meeting the road moments.
With four sets of eyes watching me constantly I want to make sure I am walking the walk, not just spouting platitudes.
So, my choice is to keep looking up! Keep being thankful! See the beauty in the simplistic! Live in the moment and plan for the future.
And most of all having faith that if I keep doing what I can, God will do the rest!!!

"The person we truly are always emerges during a crisis."
J Meyer

Legacy...

There are many words in the English language I love...choc-o-late, poppet, wine, luxurious, pastry, decadent, smothered, passion, etc, Mine mostly have to to with food, either preparing it or eating it. Thats a whole other blog.
A word that grabs me by the collar and slaps me in the face is LEGACY. It is a thinking/action word. There is responsibility in it. It is directly linked to what I do today. Opposed to a feeling word like Love. Although I know Love is a choice (because there are many a days that I have to choose to love some people) but it is also tied in with so many "feelings".
Leaving a positive Legacy is a decision.
I often picture my life at the end (very Hollywood) and play it backwards. What do I see? What do I want to see?
Today I went to a farewell assembly for a teacher at my wee ones primary school. She has only been at the school for 3 years but it was apparent that the impact she has made on students, parent  and staff alike was a testimony to the word Legacy. She left a Miss B imprint on them. In a few months most people will have forgotten her and moved on but there will be a handful or several handfuls of people who will always have the touch of her on their life. It will have molded them in a way that no one else could have.
It is living outside of ourselves and beyond ourselves.
For me, I don't really know her, I have probably only said about 20 words to her in my life. I know Master 6 had a run in with her at school one day. She is the only teacher that has ever "told him off" and he was gutted!
What I am thankful for is that she showed me through her leaving how we can give and be richer for it.
Thats the legacy I choose.

Procrastination Vs Simplifying....

Something that I have learned about myself in the last year or so is that I hate to rush! That panicky feeling where you know that you cannot do the 101 different "important" jobs in the next 20 mins before you have to collect the kids from school.
I have always pushed myself to do so at a cost, or try to, fail miserably, grump around letting everyone know how hard I work and how little help I have. Woe is me and woe to them!
But lately I can't seem to get motivated to push so hard.
This week is a good example. Its not been a "normal" week with hubby and master 6 home on Monday, then grocery shopping on Tuesday and I had morning tea with a friend that I haven't seen for ages on Wednesday.
Suffice to say, the house is not looking in the tip top condition it should. Don't misunderstand I haven't done "nothing" by the time you get the washing sorted, dinner organized, back to the washing, pick up or drop of a few children, thats the day.
Now it is Thursday, and I don't have anything I have to do...well I did have to go and get a friends gift for her birthday tomorrow. I didn't have to spend as much time at the nick-nacky store as I did but I on a very go slow gear.
Now I am home and the job list is in front of me looming with jobs that appeal (organizing, baking, cooking, possibly putting items on Trade Me) and jobs that don't (mopping, dusting, bathroom, blah, blah, blah).
Even typing it out makes me tired.
I know that if I don't do them the world will not fall off its axis and everyone will live another day, albeit in a slightly grubby house.
BUT, will I be ok with it? Can I allow it?
Yep, not everyday but today I think I can. I'm tired of being super uptight woman with a very efficient clean house but a really sucky attitude.
I will do the jobs that NEED to be done and leave the others for another day. Most importantly, I will not second guess it, not justify it and not regret it.
I believe that my family will benefit from it. I know I will!
Cuppa anyone?

It's just a SHOW...

If I wasn't thrilled about the earthquakes before I down right loathe them now. Because of the brokenness of the city? No. The pain and destruction it caused? No. The disruptions that have accompanied them? No
Not because I am heartless and without feeling, but mostly those reasons haven't affected me personally. I have the global, "This is "tragic" feeling and inconvenient." But all in all I felt I have coped ok...until today.
I read on Facebook that the Food Show has been cancelled and burst into tears. Not the quiet gentle ones but the ugly cry with liquids oozing out of most facial orifices.
The Food Show has been my oasis on the horizon. If I can just get there all is ok and normal. Not to mention all the cooking toys, cook books, demonstrations and FOOD!
Our tradition is for hubby to take the day off and we arrive before the doors open into a place where all time is suspended and calories too! We taste and taste again, enjoying new flavors and familiar old ones.
The specials are amazing! I get my Food Show bag and I was going to get one of those wine glasses that sit around your neck and an APRON!!! (I love aprons they make me feel so domestic and sexy at the same time.)
But now it is GONE. For this year.
So to make myself feel better I baked Nutella cookies. Not because I particularly enjoy them, although they are YUMMY. But because my family do.
And when I feel rotten I find the best way to pick me up is to make someone else feel happy. So I have a special plate for a wee 4 year old at school.
After all it's just a SHOW.

Best laid plans....

Having just celebrated my 40th birthday my darling Hubby took Friday & Monday off to extend the festivities. Saturday was my actual birthday and involved lots of lazing around, for me (sheer bliss) while he attended to the mundane household jobs and children.
Friday was my "Ladies Luncheon/Birthday Party" where he was the butler, apron and all. He is a great sport and did a fantastic job making sure that 13 woman were well fed and watered.
MONDAY that was the day we were going to have some special hubby and wife time with four children that is a rarity. Go to lunch, have a coffee and get reacquainted. ALONE!
But of course life has its own twists and turns! Ours being a six year old with a temperature and a sniffle.
Oh I so wanted to be a bad parent and ignore the warm flushed cheeks, red rimmed eyes and trail of tissues that was the wake behind Master 6.
I guess you know that you are growing up when things don't go the way you want to and you don't have a total melt down. I didn't today but I can't promise anything tomorrow.
We didn't get the day we planned BUT we made the best of it. After lunch Master 6 went for a sleep, which was more of a rest as no actual sleeping took place. But he stayed in his room mostly.
We watched a real no brainer DVD, "The Hangover". That was totally inappropriate but amusing at the same time.
It was fun! Not what we planned but we were together which always makes life a brighter place.
One day it will be just Hubby and me jetting around to wherever our fancy takes us...well thats the plan!
Blessings!

Here I am....

A blog. Why create a blog? I'm not really sure! I have always had a diary that I would periodically write in diligently in the first week of January and sporadically through out the year. Usually when things weren't going so great in life and I needed to get all the stuff that was in me out.
Then when I had my first child I kept a journal called "Mommy 101". As a record of my feelings of what this phase of life was like and something that I could pass to my daughter when she became a Mother.
From then on I have been pretty religious about keeping a diary/journal even if it was just scrawling a few lines of what I did that day and whether is was deemed a successful day or one that I would like to turn the page on.
Now I am 40 years old and 1 day. A new stage of life that I want to document...why? For me. For anyone who can relate. Simply to put perspective in and on my life.
I feel like I am facing a new direction in life. I am discovering who I want to be as I grow up. What is truly important and what will outlast me.
Life lays infront of me and I truly believe that I could do whatever I wanted!
What is it that I want?
I love taking care of my family, being the Mommy, the help-meet to my hubby, the CHEF (cooking is a new passion that I am thoroughly enjoying ) and all that goes along with raising four children (aged 16, 13,10 & 6) and running a home.
What gives me the greatest pleasure...blessing others! I have such a sense of fulfillment when I am able to bless someone. It can be feeding people, listening to a friend with a compassionate ear, or just a smile to a stranger! It is those moments that I have the greatest sense of peace. God smiling down on me saying, "Yep, Ang that is the moment I created you for."
So back to this blog thing....I really don't know. But then maybe I'm not meant to. At 40 I have learnt that I actually don't  know lots of reasons WHY but have the peace that this is what I am meant to be doing and that is enough for today.
Blessings!