Then I didn't want to any more. I was tired of restricting and constantly thinking about what I was allowed to eat and more importantly what I wasn't. I remember panicking as one of the girls birthdays approached and it didn't fall on a "free" eating day. The inner turmoil was overwhelming. Stick to the goal, you weak pathetic quitter or have abit of fun, one day isn't going to hurt you. Its your daughter's birthday for goodness sake.
I picked that later which began the ascent from the good food/bad food pit.
I finally saw the magic number on the scale, but it wasn't enough. My body didn't look like the image I had in my head and the scary reality is that it may NEVER do so.
My head went tilt, like a pinball machine that is out of balance and I was.
I read articles about anti-dieting and felt the fog start to clear in my head. But with freedom comes responsibility and for me confusion.
Dieting and a set training routine is safe. I do it and I don't have to think about if it is wrong or right. But I didn't have my heart in it. I was just so tired.
Then everything turned to custard.
I got sick, I couldn't dredge up the energy or passion to do what I was doing before.
So I did nothing- exercise wise.
Eating- I did! Everything I had denied myself before and as much as I wanted! Of course the inevitable consequence is that I gained weight and lost a lot of my fitness.
Now it is 2014. I am 15kg heavier than I was at the magic number, 2-3 sizes bigger, still feeling tired and not sure what I want or how to re-begin my fitness journey.
If it was a case of just me looking after me I think it would be easier, but I am still working a women's gym and giving advice on how to get fit and healthy.
There are moments when I think, seriously what right do I have to give advice to anyone! I am struggling to find the answers myself.
Talk about the blind leading the blind.
BUT- then a little voice inside me whispers, isn't that what its all about?
You sharing your failures and success, helping others along their way.
Learning to accept yourself and helping others accept themselves too!
Maybe by going through this experience you can be of more use than if you presented just the picture of success, as defined by the media?
Maybe by being 15kg heavier and exercising less you are healthier than you were before?
Maybe?
What is your definition of success?
How do you feel your most healthiest?
What makes you happy?
What is your body saying to you?
How do you find yourself acceptable without condition?
What is self love?
These are the questions I want to answer!
I do believe that the answers are there within me and that God is revealing them slowly. So that I can digest them fully!
Today I am okay! Actually I am better than ok! Because even if I don't have the answers today I have the faith that I follow the one who does!
Me on Christmas morning 2013. No make up, hair not done selfie. Not perfect and thats OK!
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