Body Love….

In fitting with my theme of LOVE for 2014 a huge issue for me is body love. Last year I worked my butt off, literally. I trained everyday sometimes twice a day, watched what I ate religiously and became the poster girl of weight loss for the ladies I worked with.
Then I didn't want to any more. I was tired of restricting and constantly thinking about what I was allowed to eat and more importantly what I wasn't. I remember panicking as one of the girls birthdays approached and it didn't fall on a "free" eating day. The inner turmoil was overwhelming. Stick to the goal, you weak pathetic quitter or have abit of fun, one day isn't going to hurt you. Its your daughter's birthday for goodness sake.
I picked that later which began the ascent from the good food/bad food pit.
I finally saw the magic number on the scale, but it wasn't enough. My body didn't look like the image I had in my head and the scary reality is that it may NEVER do so.
My head went tilt, like a pinball machine that is out of balance and I was.
I read articles about anti-dieting and felt the fog start to clear in my head. But with freedom comes responsibility and for me confusion.
Dieting and a set training routine is safe. I do it and I don't have to think about if it is wrong or right. But I didn't have my heart in it. I was just so tired.
Then everything turned to custard.
I got sick, I couldn't dredge up the energy or passion to do what I was doing before.
So I did nothing- exercise wise.
Eating- I did! Everything I had denied myself before and as much as I wanted! Of course the inevitable consequence is that I gained weight and lost a lot of my fitness.
Now it is 2014. I am 15kg heavier than I was at the magic number, 2-3 sizes bigger, still feeling tired and not sure what I want or how to re-begin my fitness journey.
If it was a case of just me looking after me I think it would be easier, but I am still working a women's gym and giving advice on how to get fit and healthy.
There are moments when I think, seriously what right do I have to give advice to anyone! I am struggling to find the answers myself.
Talk about the blind leading the blind.
BUT- then a little voice inside me whispers, isn't that what its all about?
You sharing your failures and success, helping others along their way.
Learning to accept yourself and helping others accept themselves too!
Maybe by going through this experience you can be of more use than if you presented just the picture of success, as defined by the media?
Maybe by being 15kg heavier and exercising less you are healthier than you were before?
Maybe?
What is your definition of success?
How do you feel your most healthiest?
What makes you happy?
What is your body saying to you?
How do you find yourself acceptable without condition?
What is self love?
These are the questions I want to answer!
I do believe that the answers are there within me and that God is revealing them slowly. So that I can digest them fully!
Today I am okay! Actually I am better than ok! Because even if I don't have the answers today I have the faith that I follow the one who does!

Me on Christmas morning 2013. No make up, hair not done selfie. Not perfect and thats OK!

2014…getting my head on straight…..

To say that I was pleased to see the back end of 2013 is an understatement of the grandest proportions. 2013 ended surrounded by lovely family and friends choosing a word to summize the year and 2014 came in with a peace and hopefulness. I even got a little bit of alone time to unwind before bed, bliss.
I was woken by a call of nature to be called by nature to see the most amazing sunrise! So beautiful that I had to photograph it to share with A, who I didn't think would appreciate it at 5.30am!

I went back to bed with a real sense of optimism, ready for 2014.

This year I have poo-pooed New Years resolutions. Like diets I believe that they set you up to fail. So for someone who has always had very clear guides on what the goal is and how to accomplish it (at any cost) I am entering a new year trying to path a way in unchartered territory.

Last year the goals were clear-get fit and lose weight, make money being the best PT/employee I could be and balance children, house and husband. Do, do and do more! Do it well, no better than well!
My success was based on what I was doing. The more I do the more acceptable I am.
2013 has taught me that doing isn't more important as being. Being present, being connected, being aware. When you are focused on doing, the goal is to finish what you are doing so you can do something else and God help those who get in the way of that.

Being + Doing = Balance

Balance-that mysterious myth of a word that lives in the realm of unicorns, fairies and Atlantis.
How? HOW? HOW!!!
This is the challenge of 2014. To find the place of balance. But not alone, I am desperately clinging  to God on this one. I am trying to surrender all my plans to Him and say, "What do ya think?" because I no longer trust myself to know what I should/could be doing.
That is the cry of my heart….
Lord, please guide my life on what you want me to be doing. There are so many "good" things I could be doing but I only want to go where You have called me. I know that I am called to spread the "love". I feel my most fulfilled when I let other know how special they are and how much you love them. Give me boldness to speak when you say and not when you tell me to be quiet.
In Jesus' name.
Amen

So I declare 2014 the year of LOVE! Because I truly believe that Love is the answer to everything.

Christmas Reflections….

There is a lot to be said about the benefits of relaxation and slowing down. Not that I would have bought into that a few months ago. It was all about what you achieved, regardless of the method to get there.

This Christmas however (in light of what I have been trying to learn) has been very different from that.

This year we had two gifts on the 15th of Dec and a list. We had no budget (as yet) but A had plans in the making. I happily let him take the helm of the finances and how we did the gift buying and how much we would be spending.
Previously I would have a list for everything and expectations of HOW it should be and I would be a bundle of Christmas panic & stress! Not much fun at all!
I would have been doing more and feeling less of what Christmas is really about, peace and joy.
I would have been nipping at A because I was doing this, that and the other and what was HE bringing to the table? Poor fella it would never be enough.

This year it was enough for me to…

-concentrated on what I was going to bake and docummenting my moments on Facebook. Self indulgent perhaps but very satisfying!

-trust A. Let him be the champion and I wasn't disappointed!

-enjoy the children, letting them take time to do what they enjoyed at their pace, not my schedule. Making sure I consciusly savour every moment. I am highly aware that these wonderful little and grown up people aren't going to live under my roof for many more years, so I squeeze the pleasures of every cuddle, giggle and did you see that? moment.

-not take on more, to release the extra "stuff" that would not add to me but would have me take away from what was truly important. More buying, more spending, more hours, more, more, more!

-Laugh and have fun! Dressing up as Angel-A (see photo), singing Christmas carols, watching movies and being accessible to those around me.

-tear toast. One of my highlights this Christmas was going to my parents house while my Mom was making the stuffing. As a girl my job was to toast the bread and tear it into small pieces for her to turn into YUMMY stuffing! I wanted my children to smell the smells of Christmas as I remembered them.

-eat, drink and be merry! I ate whatever I chose! Drank- COKE! Over indulged and not one ounce of guilt was given! Still trying to find the balance in my eating (which I will) but I savoured all I wanted to and left the "I really shouldn't" or " I wonder how long I need to run/workout/torture myself to work this off"or "how many calories are in this?" (while frantically reading the label and calculating if I ate only a quarter of it I should be ok.)

-sing with unabashed passion Christmas carols at church on Christmas morning. What I lack in talent I make up for in enthusiasm :p

-be excited and thankful!

Christmas 2013 may have not been the most lavish in worldly terms but it was the most stupendous victory for me.

A New Normal….

Well, after forty two years it appears that I have got it all wrong! My very organised (a.k.a. I like to be in control) personality was actually doing my health no favours.
After five months of dealing with a chronic sinus infection that wasn't either chronic or a sinus infection but simply turn out to be the effects of me pushing myself too hard for too long. I am now trying to figure out what is good for me and what isn't.

I have always believed that you have a goal and you set your mind on that goal and you do whatever is needed to achieve that goal. No excuses, no variables, you just did it.
Whether the goal be clean the house or lose 25kg . You just pulled up your big girl panties and did it!
But it wasn't enough to just do it. If you cleaned the house, better bake as well and 30kg is better than 25kg. Enough is never enough.

So now I am trying to figure out what is enough? What is the real important stuff to focus on? What is success?

What does it truly look like to ME?

Unfortunately or fortunately I have very little answers at the moment. My head is in a very muddily place and I am questioning what I thought I knew before.

What do I know? Really deep down in my core believe.

1. God is real and he loves me! Jesus die for me and has a plan for my life!

2. The devil is real and want to destroy me.

3. Relationships mean everything. Stuff will burn, but relationships are eternal.

4. A, the kids and my family are on the top of the list. They get sacrificed far too easily and quickly.

5.Women need women! Where would I be without my women friends?

6. I LOVE what I do! I am able to speak into women's lives on a daily basis and tell them that not only are they ok, they a FABULOUS!!

7. I will NEVER ever go on a diet again! I want to eat in a way that makes me feel healthy and able to move my body. Some times thats cheesecake and others it fruit.

8. Exercise is vital for my wellbeing.

9. I'm ok just as I am today, even if I don't feel it. I don't need anyone else to make me ok. I CAN trust myself.

WOW! I know more that I realised.

Now I just need to put it into action, gently and slowly.

Why is it on the morning I can sleep in I never do?

I have taken two days off to chillax, spend some time with the kids and generally do alot of nothing. But what happens? I wake up at 3am with a list of jobs, ideas and plans for the next two days.
I kept telling myself to go to sleep, to relax, but that is like telling a child to sit quietly on a bouncy castle- it just ain't gonna happen.

So, I figured I would get up and clear my head by getting all of these jumbled thoughts into word form.

Ok, so heres how my thought pattern goes.....

1. School Uniforms
I really want to sort out M & J's school uniforms. New term, they need to look presentable for the first week at least. Because J's trackpants are what I like to refer to as ventilated. And extremely embarrassing to me-although he doesn't seem to mind that much. But I hate sending my precious child to school looking like a waif.

Which made me think about....

2. Money
Because if J needs new track pants money has to be involved somewhere.
I have just recently taken over looking after the finances because I am so aware of Js birthday at the end of this month, Christmas looming, M starting high school (needing a uniform for that) that I felt I needed a plan that we were working toward. A and I work VERY differently when it comes to money, housekeeping, work and most areas of life. But I think that is why we work so well together. Where one pushes the other one pulls and we create perfect balance. It can be a bit tricky finding that balance point and there is alot of falling from side to side but when we are there it is absolute peace.

Thinking about money made me think about all my.....

3. Needs/Wants/Luxuries
As a parent you put yourself on the bottom of a very long list of necessities. You just keep making do until you are at the point where you just can't make do anymore. Then if you are like me, you go and do something stupid! Usually involving spending too much money or acting like a real grumpy cow, ruining the days you took off to make memories with your family.
Well, I am at the place of "I need something for me" but I don't know how to get it without feeling guilty and selfish (a place I often find myself)!

Which made me think about, what do I really want....

4. Investment
As a wife, mum, P.T., being Ang, I'm a giving person. I love to bless other people with encouragement, food, support, food, love, and food. I like feeding people.
How do I invest in myself?
What do I get pleasure from?
What fills my tank?
Why do I get sooooooooo resentful when A goes and does what he wants? When I think he should be doing something else? Not that he is off doing major things. It could just be that he went for a run. Which should be commended not condemned. Its that he is taking time for himself and I don't know how to cope with that.
Mainly because the ways I like to invest in myself involve money and there are so many more important areas that the money can go to.
I can justify spending it on me, I can justify not spending it on me. ARGH!

But what makes me feel good?

5. Pampering!!
I'm vain! Im not ashamed to admit it. I like looking pretty. For the last 2 years it has all been about losing weight and getting fit.
But now it is more about finding the place where I feel beautiful, strong, fit and can still enjoy cooking and eating food.
Which seems to be about 10kg heavier than what the charts say I should be. Not that I give a fat rats what charts say because scales are for fish not people.
BUT, my clothes are a bit snugger, my options of what to wear is a bit narrower and the oath that I took to myself about getting a mani/pedi every month as a reward to myself  when I started working has way gone to the wayside.

6. Planning
So I start thinking, wouldn't today be a great opportunity to take some time out (just for me) and get a mani/pedi and some new undergarments. The red pitched forked fella on my right shoulder is saying, "Hell Yeah! You deserve it! Go for it baby!" While the white robed harp carrying dude on my left shoulder is pleading, "Just be thankful for what you have. You don't need that to make you happy."

So what to do?

7. Decisions
I get up. I look at the budget. I realise that more bills need to come out next pay then were budgeted for.  I juggle. It will work. It will be tight (when hasn't it been??? seriously) but we will get through.
So what am I going to do? I don't know yet. I will talk to my balance buddy and decide from there.
But I can say this, the sunrise was tinged a lovely colour of red and I can't see a harp in sight. ;)

New Adventures....

I have often thought of sitting down and posting on my blog but stopping because I'm afraid that I may upset someone by what I have to say. Especially if it is a "yucky" feeling. When I write it is to sort out those emotions that go around and around in my head getting bigger and distorted like those "fun"mirrors in theme parks.
I find that putting it out there whether it be on paper or through a keyboard, put those thoughts in perspective sifting through what is fact or perception. At times the two are one in the same!
Not that I would ever intentionally write something to hurt or irritate anyone (I think! I guess time will tell) but sometimes people read into words you say or write and look for a deeper hidden meaning. I don't want to have to worry about that!
Not that I want to write moaning, groaning blog posts! I prefer to be optimistic. It's a damn site better than being the other.
So to summarize my wee rant, if you don't like what I write please don't read it. ;)
On to more interesting stuff....
I am now a part-time student studying for my Certificate in Fitness and a Duathlete! Both happened in the same week-last week. It was an elating and humbling process.
Certificate in Fitness is so where I am at, at the moment. I'm not sure what I am going to do with it? Whether I am going to pursue a career as a trainer or continue studying. After the Certificate I can do a Degree of Social Sciences at CPIT. I don't know yet and am not stressing about it. I have got to finish this course first.
It has been a VERY long time since I have been in a classroom environment where I am not someones Mum! To find out that I am not the only 40+ lady in the class was a HUGE relief. There is a great mix of people and everyone seems really nice.
The first class was Fitness Assessment. I managed to understand most of the words coming out of the lecturers mouth so walked away feeling pretty confident.
The next day Anatomy and Physiology two lectures an AM & a PM. I caught the bus to CPIT (the first time I have done that in probably 10 years) it was BLISS!!!
Got to my first lecture didn't get too confused but realised that I have HEAPS to learn.
Had lunch with my darling & nipped down to Rebel Sport (they were having a SALE!) It was about this time I started wondering if I missed some notes that I should have had before the next lecture-PANIC stations! Alan quickly sorted me out. Got to the next lecture feeling totally unprepared and flustered! The lecture was about cells. I walked out of that lecture with an headache!
I hate being unprepared!
Nevermind, shake it off because the next day is my first event! The Contact Women's TriSeries. I was doing the longer Duathlon (1.5km run, 20.8km cycle and 5km run). I had done the course 3 times in training. I felt fairly confident in myself that I was going to be ok and secretly hoping that I might even finish slightly close to the front of the pack. Yeah-No!
I didn't stick to any of my race plan and paid for it in the last lap! BUT I did complete it! And had the best support team I could ever have! My friends who raced with me were FABULOUS! My VERY pregnant friend who came to cheer us on was such a precious gift! I got txt that moved me to tears! My Alan is beyond words in his support!
To top it all off I was chosen as the most Inspirational Story. When you filled out your entry form you could put your story down. Mine was chosen and read out. Very humbling!
To all those who have taken the time to encourage, support and listen to me drone on about my runs, weights and fitness in general-THANK YOU! I really appreciate it! It made a HUGE difference to where I am and where I am headed!
Where am I headed?
I don't completely know!
Doing the race and the course is scary! At times I feel like I am a fraud and someone is going to come up to me point a finger and shout, "Hey YOU! You can't be here! You're not smart/fit/young enough to be doing that!"
That is a LIE a feeling of fear and insecurity that wants me to stop. Because I know (in my Knower) that I CAN do the course and I CAN do the race-
I AM doing it (by the grace of God)!!!
By me being set free to accomplish whatever is in my path then others can look at me and say, "Ang is doing it, I can too".
The key is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep running MY race!!!

Perspective, Choice & Attitude....

Ahhh, a moment to sit and ponder.
School holidays are lovely but there is a lot to be said for the normality of school life.
Perspective, Choice & Attitude.
Three pillars that effect my day and those around me! You know that saying....
"If the Mama ain't happy, nobodies happy."
 It rings so true. More positively, when I am happy and setting the tone of my home positively, EVERYONE is happy! And it sets off a ripple effect beyond our little house.
At the moment we are trying this new concept, "living within our means" and to be honest, it SUCKS! It is an all out civil war between instant gratification Ang (I Deserve it) and sensible self-controlled Ang (Is it a priority?) .
I want to be free of the debt and I know that the only way is be going thru the hard stuff. Saying No or Not Yet.
That is all well and fine, but doing it with a good Attitude-that becomes the challenge.  I am wanting to change my perspective of what is a need? What is truly important? Everything comes at a cost. Am I prepared to pay it? And if I choose it shouldn't I than be thankful for it?
This is where all my philosophies become rubber meeting the road moments.
With four sets of eyes watching me constantly I want to make sure I am walking the walk, not just spouting platitudes.
So, my choice is to keep looking up! Keep being thankful! See the beauty in the simplistic! Live in the moment and plan for the future.
And most of all having faith that if I keep doing what I can, God will do the rest!!!

"The person we truly are always emerges during a crisis."
J Meyer