Christmas Reflections….

There is a lot to be said about the benefits of relaxation and slowing down. Not that I would have bought into that a few months ago. It was all about what you achieved, regardless of the method to get there.

This Christmas however (in light of what I have been trying to learn) has been very different from that.

This year we had two gifts on the 15th of Dec and a list. We had no budget (as yet) but A had plans in the making. I happily let him take the helm of the finances and how we did the gift buying and how much we would be spending.
Previously I would have a list for everything and expectations of HOW it should be and I would be a bundle of Christmas panic & stress! Not much fun at all!
I would have been doing more and feeling less of what Christmas is really about, peace and joy.
I would have been nipping at A because I was doing this, that and the other and what was HE bringing to the table? Poor fella it would never be enough.

This year it was enough for me to…

-concentrated on what I was going to bake and docummenting my moments on Facebook. Self indulgent perhaps but very satisfying!

-trust A. Let him be the champion and I wasn't disappointed!

-enjoy the children, letting them take time to do what they enjoyed at their pace, not my schedule. Making sure I consciusly savour every moment. I am highly aware that these wonderful little and grown up people aren't going to live under my roof for many more years, so I squeeze the pleasures of every cuddle, giggle and did you see that? moment.

-not take on more, to release the extra "stuff" that would not add to me but would have me take away from what was truly important. More buying, more spending, more hours, more, more, more!

-Laugh and have fun! Dressing up as Angel-A (see photo), singing Christmas carols, watching movies and being accessible to those around me.

-tear toast. One of my highlights this Christmas was going to my parents house while my Mom was making the stuffing. As a girl my job was to toast the bread and tear it into small pieces for her to turn into YUMMY stuffing! I wanted my children to smell the smells of Christmas as I remembered them.

-eat, drink and be merry! I ate whatever I chose! Drank- COKE! Over indulged and not one ounce of guilt was given! Still trying to find the balance in my eating (which I will) but I savoured all I wanted to and left the "I really shouldn't" or " I wonder how long I need to run/workout/torture myself to work this off"or "how many calories are in this?" (while frantically reading the label and calculating if I ate only a quarter of it I should be ok.)

-sing with unabashed passion Christmas carols at church on Christmas morning. What I lack in talent I make up for in enthusiasm :p

-be excited and thankful!

Christmas 2013 may have not been the most lavish in worldly terms but it was the most stupendous victory for me.

A New Normal….

Well, after forty two years it appears that I have got it all wrong! My very organised (a.k.a. I like to be in control) personality was actually doing my health no favours.
After five months of dealing with a chronic sinus infection that wasn't either chronic or a sinus infection but simply turn out to be the effects of me pushing myself too hard for too long. I am now trying to figure out what is good for me and what isn't.

I have always believed that you have a goal and you set your mind on that goal and you do whatever is needed to achieve that goal. No excuses, no variables, you just did it.
Whether the goal be clean the house or lose 25kg . You just pulled up your big girl panties and did it!
But it wasn't enough to just do it. If you cleaned the house, better bake as well and 30kg is better than 25kg. Enough is never enough.

So now I am trying to figure out what is enough? What is the real important stuff to focus on? What is success?

What does it truly look like to ME?

Unfortunately or fortunately I have very little answers at the moment. My head is in a very muddily place and I am questioning what I thought I knew before.

What do I know? Really deep down in my core believe.

1. God is real and he loves me! Jesus die for me and has a plan for my life!

2. The devil is real and want to destroy me.

3. Relationships mean everything. Stuff will burn, but relationships are eternal.

4. A, the kids and my family are on the top of the list. They get sacrificed far too easily and quickly.

5.Women need women! Where would I be without my women friends?

6. I LOVE what I do! I am able to speak into women's lives on a daily basis and tell them that not only are they ok, they a FABULOUS!!

7. I will NEVER ever go on a diet again! I want to eat in a way that makes me feel healthy and able to move my body. Some times thats cheesecake and others it fruit.

8. Exercise is vital for my wellbeing.

9. I'm ok just as I am today, even if I don't feel it. I don't need anyone else to make me ok. I CAN trust myself.

WOW! I know more that I realised.

Now I just need to put it into action, gently and slowly.

Why is it on the morning I can sleep in I never do?

I have taken two days off to chillax, spend some time with the kids and generally do alot of nothing. But what happens? I wake up at 3am with a list of jobs, ideas and plans for the next two days.
I kept telling myself to go to sleep, to relax, but that is like telling a child to sit quietly on a bouncy castle- it just ain't gonna happen.

So, I figured I would get up and clear my head by getting all of these jumbled thoughts into word form.

Ok, so heres how my thought pattern goes.....

1. School Uniforms
I really want to sort out M & J's school uniforms. New term, they need to look presentable for the first week at least. Because J's trackpants are what I like to refer to as ventilated. And extremely embarrassing to me-although he doesn't seem to mind that much. But I hate sending my precious child to school looking like a waif.

Which made me think about....

2. Money
Because if J needs new track pants money has to be involved somewhere.
I have just recently taken over looking after the finances because I am so aware of Js birthday at the end of this month, Christmas looming, M starting high school (needing a uniform for that) that I felt I needed a plan that we were working toward. A and I work VERY differently when it comes to money, housekeeping, work and most areas of life. But I think that is why we work so well together. Where one pushes the other one pulls and we create perfect balance. It can be a bit tricky finding that balance point and there is alot of falling from side to side but when we are there it is absolute peace.

Thinking about money made me think about all my.....

3. Needs/Wants/Luxuries
As a parent you put yourself on the bottom of a very long list of necessities. You just keep making do until you are at the point where you just can't make do anymore. Then if you are like me, you go and do something stupid! Usually involving spending too much money or acting like a real grumpy cow, ruining the days you took off to make memories with your family.
Well, I am at the place of "I need something for me" but I don't know how to get it without feeling guilty and selfish (a place I often find myself)!

Which made me think about, what do I really want....

4. Investment
As a wife, mum, P.T., being Ang, I'm a giving person. I love to bless other people with encouragement, food, support, food, love, and food. I like feeding people.
How do I invest in myself?
What do I get pleasure from?
What fills my tank?
Why do I get sooooooooo resentful when A goes and does what he wants? When I think he should be doing something else? Not that he is off doing major things. It could just be that he went for a run. Which should be commended not condemned. Its that he is taking time for himself and I don't know how to cope with that.
Mainly because the ways I like to invest in myself involve money and there are so many more important areas that the money can go to.
I can justify spending it on me, I can justify not spending it on me. ARGH!

But what makes me feel good?

5. Pampering!!
I'm vain! Im not ashamed to admit it. I like looking pretty. For the last 2 years it has all been about losing weight and getting fit.
But now it is more about finding the place where I feel beautiful, strong, fit and can still enjoy cooking and eating food.
Which seems to be about 10kg heavier than what the charts say I should be. Not that I give a fat rats what charts say because scales are for fish not people.
BUT, my clothes are a bit snugger, my options of what to wear is a bit narrower and the oath that I took to myself about getting a mani/pedi every month as a reward to myself  when I started working has way gone to the wayside.

6. Planning
So I start thinking, wouldn't today be a great opportunity to take some time out (just for me) and get a mani/pedi and some new undergarments. The red pitched forked fella on my right shoulder is saying, "Hell Yeah! You deserve it! Go for it baby!" While the white robed harp carrying dude on my left shoulder is pleading, "Just be thankful for what you have. You don't need that to make you happy."

So what to do?

7. Decisions
I get up. I look at the budget. I realise that more bills need to come out next pay then were budgeted for.  I juggle. It will work. It will be tight (when hasn't it been??? seriously) but we will get through.
So what am I going to do? I don't know yet. I will talk to my balance buddy and decide from there.
But I can say this, the sunrise was tinged a lovely colour of red and I can't see a harp in sight. ;)